I Wasn't the Mother She Wanted

I was so engrossed in my research at the lab that it was past 9:00 pm before I knew it.

When a colleague saw that I was still hard at work, they said in surprise, "I can't believe you're still here, Dawn. Don't you need to go home to be with your daughter?"

I thought about how Ruth and Vivian had acted around each other and shook my head. "Nope. I won't need to do that anymore."

I spent the next two days and nights toiling away in the lab before I finally got the data I wanted. Satisfaction surged through me. Suddenly, it felt fantastic not to have to squeeze out time and set aside the things I loved just so I could hurry home.

Whistling happily as the evening sun set, I headed home. However, as soon as I opened the door, I saw the dark look on Jordan's face as he held Ruth in his arms.

The moment he saw me, he flew off the handle. "Haven't you had enough of this fit, Dawn? I can't believe you didn't even come home! Do you remember that you're someone's wife and mother? I work my butt off every day, not so you can just dump everything and go out for fun!"

His words were so insulting that I immediately retorted, "I have a job, Jordan. Besides, aren't you Ruth's father? Can't you care for her? Anyway, we have Vivian around, don't we?"

I frowned. "Sure, you work your butt off. But do you earn more than I do? I make more than enough to feed myself!"

Just then, the door opened behind me, and Vivian's gentle voice rang out. "Joe, I told you not to argue with Dawn, didn't I? Why are you mad again?"

Ruth wriggled out of Jordan's arms and ran to her, clinging to her legs. She said cutely, "You're finally here, Vivian! I'm hungry. Can you take me out for food?"

Vivian rubbed her head and said, "I'd love to, but…"

She looked up at me, seemingly torn. "But your mother will get mad. She doesn't like it when you eat out."

Ruth became angry at her words and smacked my arm. "You're not allowed to stop me, you bad woman!"

My arm stung slightly from where her palm had landed, and I let out an exasperated laugh. I forbade Ruth from eating out because she'd always been weak as a child, especially her constitution. Having greasy food like fried chicken and burgers would give her stomachaches and make her purge.

Out of concern for her body, I'd controlled what she ate and followed a strict diet prepared by a doctor. I'd given her all the care she needed. Yet, it turned out my love for her had gone down the drain.

Suddenly, none of this seemed to matter anymore. I turned to return to my room, saying, "Whatever."

Soon, Ruth's cheers drifted into the room from outside. "Yay! Daddy's taking me and Vivian out for food!"

I stayed in my room, unfazed by the noise outside. Once upon a time, I'd been devastated by the shift in Jordan's feelings. We'd been together for seven years—how could I accept that the man I loved had changed and just take it in stride?

But gradually, I understood something. Once one started worrying that someone might leave them, they would take one's affection for granted. So, it was better to love oneself than to love others.

…

Later that night, I was watering the plants I'd gotten for Ruth when Jordan suddenly returned. He looked panicked, and when he saw me, he was like a trapped beast that had finally found an outlet to unleash his wrath.

"Is this how you take care of a child, Dawn? Don't you know Ruth is sick? Why didn't you remind me of that before we left? Do you need to push her to the brink and see her die before you're satisfied? Come to the hospital with me now!" he snapped.