Weirdly Wholesome Pick-Me

"I'm Sam Mendoza. I used to be a martial arts instructor," said a bulky guy with massive arms, giving Lonnie a bored look. "I'm pretty solid in a fight. I've cleared one dungeon before, but that was pure luck."

"I'm Joseph Payne. I work security," a guy with a buzz cut said, giving a short nod. "This is my first time, but I'm fast and strong."

"Hi, I'm Alison Hodges. I'm a nurse," a girl in a white dress said, eyeing me carefully. "In horror dungeons, I can reduce the corruption damage teammates get from monsters. Helps keep your mind from snapping."

"I…" Verda Stokes opened her mouth to make something up, then froze. The rules didn't allow lying. Annoyed, she muttered, "I'm an old player. I've cleared about four S-rank dungeons."

Once everyone had finished introducing themselves, they realized I had already put a warm cup of tea in front of each of them.

I smiled sweetly.

"You've been talking so much. You must be thirsty. My grandpa grows this tea himself. Go on, try some. Just blow on it first. It's hot."

[This girl is way too considerate. But why does her voice sound exactly like my first girlfriend's?]

[Did your ex's grandpa sell tea, too?]

[Wait, how did you know? Their town flooded, and they had so much tea they couldn't sell. I bought a bunch and handed it out to relatives…]

[Remember this guy. I bet he's going to be selling health supplements in a few years.]

Verda narrowed her eyes at me. "Well? Everyone else introduced themselves. Why didn't you? Got something to hide?"

I tapped my forehead lightly. "Oh, shoot. You're right. I got so worried that everyone might be thirsty that I totally forgot my turn. Anyway, my name's Cheryl Hewitt. I'm just your average office worker."

The five of them traded confused looks, then hurriedly asked, "Have you ever joined a horror dungeon before?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

Verda immediately snapped, "This is a triple S-rank dungeon! How did you get here with zero experience?"

"Yeah. Try to remember. Maybe you've got some special achievement," Lonnie said, leaning closer and waiting for my answer.

That perked me right up, and my whole face lit up with pride.

"Achievements? Oh, I've played every single dating sim on the market! Full completion, all perfect harem endings, literally thousands of them. I gave every sad little pixel boyfriend a loving home. As for skills, my memory is insane. I can list every love interest's quirks, their birthdays backward, and all their famous lines!"

Verda looked horrified. "Horror games are really going downhill. We've got a romance gamer with us? It's seriously pathetic."

"You do realize the monsters here aren't just guys, right? All your little pick-me tricks won't work."

I rubbed my cheek and smiled shyly. "Actually… I've also unlocked a couple of dozen super hard lesbian routes."

Everyone froze.

Not just the five players, but even the livestream chat stopped scrolling.

Their faces showed a weird mix of emotions that was hard to explain.

Still, none of them seemed thrilled about teaming up with me.

Finally, Lonnie stepped forward and spoke to me with a warm smile.

"Since we all got thrown into the same horror dungeon, let's work together as partners. Cheryl, when we start tomorrow, you can team up with us to explore, or you can go solo. Just make sure we share whatever we learn. Let's do our best to beat this dungeon together, okay?"