Losing Me, Memory by Memory

I knew Fabian was worried about the drug's efficacy. After a brief pause, I shook my head calmly.

A flicker of emotion flashed in his eyes, and there was even a moment of doubt.

Seeing that, Yelena walked over and called out warmly, "Anya, Fabian has mentioned you so many times. I finally got to meet you for the first time."

I could see the provocation in her eyes, but I found it laughable. I finally understood why Fabian had fallen for her. She was too much like the younger me. Yelena was bright, bold, and clever. She radiated a strong, lively spirit.

What had erased those things from me? Perhaps it was the mundane routines of family life and days of not finding my worth. Maybe it was also the looks of disregard from the one I loved.

I picked up my wine glass from the table and took the initiative to clink it with Yelena's. "Thank you for always having Fabian's back. I hope the two of you will become more in tune with each other over time," I said.

For some reason, Fabian looked flustered for a moment. He interrupted our conversation and pulled Yelena over to stand among their colleagues.

After turning down their invitation to play some games together, I went on a stroll and admired the place. It was an early summer night, and fireflies flickered among the grass.

Delighted, I cupped one in my hands and watched it in the dark.

Suddenly, I heard Yelena speak coyly to Fabian behind me. "Fabian, she has a firefly in her hands. Can you let us see one too?"

Hearing that, Fabian looked at me awkwardly. But I suddenly lost interest and released the firefly.

"Get Fabian to catch one for you. He used to be really good at it," I said.

He froze for a moment because I was talking about something from when we had just started dating. My memory loss was very random and fragmented.

That night, he got drunk and whispered softly in my ear. Only then did I vaguely remember that it was our wedding anniversary.

…

After our anniversary, Fabian seemed afraid the drug wouldn't work well. Whether intentionally or not, he kept an eye on me to make sure I was taking it. Every time he saw me take it dutifully, he looked relieved yet somewhat disappointed.

I found it rather amusing. So, did he want me to forget or not? However, my memory was indeed getting worse.

"This was your birthday gift to me. Don't you remember?"

"That's a movie we talked about during our college days."

"Anya, I don't eat olives. Did you forget?"

"Anya, Benjamin is treating us to dinner. What? You don't know him? He was the best man at our wedding!"

More and more of our conversations were about what I had forgotten.

Fabian frowned slightly.

I suddenly recalled when we first met. He had a look of displeasure when he saw a male colleague walk me back to my dorm. That had been long ago.

But even though he had gotten upset then, he'd still reply to Yelena's messages with a bright smile.

Every day, he used work at the lab as an excuse when he was actually spending time with her. I couldn't help but laugh at Yelena's sneaky Instagram posts. She didn't have to worry. Soon, they would spend the rest of their lives together.

Every time Yelena and Fabian visited a place that Fabian and I had been to, she would message me to test the waters.

"Anya, my boyfriend and I went to Graydon Hot Springs. The place is great. Have you and Fabe been there?"

"Anya, has Fabe taken you to the revolving restaurant?"

"Anya, the wisterias in spring are gorgeous. Have you seen them before?"

I didn't know what was wrong with the drug Fabian had developed. The memory loss was patchy, and I still vaguely remembered these things. Regardless, I always replied to Yelena that I hadn't been to those places.

I was sick of this game of cat-and-mouse and just wanted to leave like they wanted me to.

The day of Fabian's birthday, I had truly forgotten about it, but the calendar reminder on my phone made me remember. In the past years, I would prepare his gift months in advance. I'd give him something I'd made by hand.