In My Next Life, I Beg for Your Love

Just as my lungs were burning, someone yanked Mom off me with tremendous force.

Granny's voice was hoarse and shaking. "Have you lost your mind? Are you really going to throw your life away again because of him? It's not worth it! Once was enough…"

Mom collapsed into her arms and let out a broken sob. "Mom, I can't take it anymore. What if he turns out just as bad as his father?"

Granny held her tightly, but her eyes shifted toward me.

For a moment, I thought she saw that my eyes were half-open, but she only whispered calmly, "Let's go back to bed."

Mom's crying faded into the distance. I lay there, gasping for air, then pulled the blanket over my face and rolled onto my side.

I had no idea how long it was before dawn started to break. That was when Granny walked in, carrying a large enamel cup.

It was filled with steaming mushroom soup.

Drinking mushroom soup first thing in the morning was strange, but she simply set the cup on my nightstand and said, her voice as steady as the deep lines on her face, "Drink."

I understood what she meant. I almost wanted to tell her they were in such a hurry. If they had waited a few more days, I would've died without anyone noticing.

Now, if I died, they would have a lot more trouble to deal with.

I said nothing and picked up the cup, the heat stinging my hands.

I tilted my head back and swallowed every drop. The strange bitterness spread from my tongue all the way to my chest.

When it was empty, I set it back on the nightstand, lay down again, pulled the blanket over myself, and waited for the end to come.

Granny picked up the empty cup. She stood there for a few seconds, said nothing, and walked out.

The effects came quickly. Pain twisted through my stomach, followed by a cold that spread across my body until my teeth were chattering.

My vision blurred, and sounds grew distant.

I heard Granny pacing back and forth. It seemed like she was making a phone call, then came the blaring siren of an ambulance, hurried voices, harsh lights.

Under the white glare of the hospital lamps, a tube was forced down my throat so they could pump my stomach. I gagged until my chest felt like it was tearing open. Tears and mucus were smeared all over my face.

A young doctor glanced at me, then at Granny's ashen face, his brows deeply furrowed.

"What happened? Is there something wrong with the…"

He lowered his voice, suspicion creeping in.

With the last bit of strength I had left, I clutched at his sleeve. My voice came out rough and barely audible. "It was me… I took the medicine myself."

He froze. His eyes shifted toward me with something complicated behind them.

I let go, collapsed against the bed, and stared up at the ceiling.

Being hard to kill might be its own kind of curse. Even dying felt out of reach for me.

Granny stood by the bed, her back hunched, her gray hair brushing against her cheeks. Before I closed my eyes, I thought I saw a tear slide down her face and drop onto the floor.

…

After I was discharged, home felt like a frozen grave.

The walls were still white. The furniture was still neat, but everyone in the house looked drained, as if someone had taken all the life out of them.

I became more obedient than ever. I ate quietly, went to and from school quietly, and worked quietly.

I turned myself into a silent shadow, trying not to take up any space. I even started disciplining Casper.

"Be good. Don't make Mom angry," I told him, wiping the crumbs from his mouth with a rare calmness.

He looked up at me, confused, but there was a hint of reliance in his eyes.

As for my baby sister, Janet Willis, Mom guarded her like I was a thief.

I still found a way to sneak into town to go to the church that people claimed was miraculous. I only had a couple of dollars in my pocket, but I spent them all and bought a lucky charm.

When Mom was spacing out in the kitchen during Janet's afternoon nap, I slipped in like a ghost and tucked the charm into the corner of Janet's blanket.

I hoped she would grow up safe.

Then, I decided to leave.

I was a coward. If I wasn't going to die, then disappearing would have to do. No goodbyes were needed.

It was a sweltering summer afternoon. The sun beat down so hard it made me dizzy. I walked aimlessly along the dusty path by the reservoir.

Then, a sharp, panicked scream echoed.

"Connor!"

I spun around and saw Casper lose his footing and plunge into that deep, murky water.