Frigid Hubby on Fire in the Pigsty

My husband, Steve Malone, thinks of himself as a highly-educated person. Not only that, but he's also very uninterested in physical intimacy.

When we go to bed every night, we have to sleep with a bowl of water between us. In fact, Steve refuses to let me touch him at all.

But on the day he returns from the volunteer teaching program in the countryside, I discover a pair of pantyhose all tangled up in his clothes.

Upon hearing my question, Steve maintains his cool facade as he explains, "This is contraband that I've confiscated from a student."

I never respond to Steve. Instead, I get in contact with the female teacher, Rebecca Cramer, who has gone teaching with Steve earlier.

From the other end of the line, Rebecca's sarcastic voice drifts over.

"Your husband sure is unstoppable, Audrey. He couldn't resist kneeling in the pig sty while licking the dead skin off that Paige widow's feet. No one could stop him at all.

"I heard that Paige even intends to give birth to a child for him. They went at it once per day, you know. I think you should head over here and witness everything for yourself."

As soon as I end the call, I contact my lawyer right away and prepare to file for a divorce.

This time, I'm hell-bent on ending things with Steve.

Early the next morning, I drove straight to that impoverished mountain village area. At the entrance, Rebecca Cramer stopped me with an awkward look on her face.

"Maybe you shouldn't go in," she said. "It's a pretty rough sight, to be honest."

I brushed her hand aside and walked straight ahead. But before I could get close, a pungent smell of fermenting pig manure hit my nose.

Inside the dilapidated pigsty, several black pigs were grunting as they fed. And kneeling right in the middle of the pen was Steve Malone. The same Steve who would lecture me for three days if I went to bed without showering was now holding a pig dung-covered foot with a reverent look on his face.

The foot belonged to a woman built like a water tank who was chewing on half a raw sweet potato.

"Professor Malone," she said, "there's chicken manure on my foot, so how can you smell it with such delight?"

Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Paige, you don't understand. This is the scent of the earth, the antidote that liberates the soul from the hypocrisy of the city."

Stomach churning violently, I stormed forward and kicked over a nearby trough. I thought Steve would panic or at least pull up his zipper, but he didn't.

Instead, he merely pushed up his gold-rimmed glasses coolly. "Audrey? What are you doing here?"

I stared fixedly at the glob of pig manure dripping from his collar.

"If I hadn't come, how could I witness your dedication to education?" I spat out, slamming the divorce papers I'd brought right into his face. "Sign it. Don't you dare bring AIDS home to me."

Beside him, Paige sized me up before suddenly breaking into a grin.

"Well, well. So, this is your wife. The one who only knows how to spray perfume? She looks like a plastic doll. No wonder you said you can't get it up looking at her."

She puffed out her chest provocatively, the neckline of her top gaping open, revealing a stretch of tanned skin.

"Sweetheart, Professor Malone says I'm full of boundless acceptance like Mother Earth. A city woman like you is just too skinny."

I was so furious I laughed. Even though I wasn't a top supermodel, I worked out regularly and had all the right curves. To think I would lose to a pig farmer who didn't even bathe?

I pointed at Paige and asked, my voice trembling," Steve, is this what you call your spiritual cleanliness? You refused to share a bed with me for three years because of…. this?"

Steve frowned. "Audrey, watch your language. Can you try not to be so shallow? Paige and I share a deep spiritual connection."

"Spiritual connection?" I scoffed. "Looks more like a hormonal one to me."

Steve sighed wearily, then wrapped an arm around Paige's thick waist. Stroking the layer of fat there, he said, "My parents have always wanted a grandson."

He gazed at Paige's slightly rounded belly with a strange look of pride. "And Paige is pregnant with my baby. Plus, she conceived in a vibrant, life-filled environment such as this, so this child is destined for greatness."

In that moment, it struck me that even the pigsty in front of me seemed cleaner than Steve. I turned and walked away. If I stayed a second longer, I was sure I'd throw up.

Behind me, Paige called out cheerfully, "Have a safe trip back, sweetheart! Feel free to come back here anytime. This old pigsty has great energy—puts the color right back in your cheeks."

Back in the city, I went straight to the hospital for a full check-up. Only after confirming I hadn't picked up any nasty diseases did I finally let myself breathe a sigh of relief.

Steve later tore up the divorce papers and said, "I'm in a critical period of my promotion to associate dean. A family scandal would ruin it. If you play along quietly until the review is over, I'll consider giving you some compensation."

Since he chose to be heartless, I couldn't be blamed for playing dirty.