Ex-Husband's Regret

[I miss you already.] Ethan send me a message.

[Really? You miss me exactly or my little brother?] I playfully reply to him.

I bite my lips as I wait for his reply. I’ve never been this bold and it both terrified and excited me.

[Both? I’m hard from just thinking about how good you feel.]

[You are?] I loved that he was aroused because of me. Just from thinking of me.

[YES…Which is embarrassing given I’m in a squad car and I’m sure my partner noticed my reaction.]

I laugh at that. Unable to contain my happiness.

And this is the happiness that I have never felt with my ex-husband!

I get out of my car and slowly walk towards the mansion. My hands were trembling and my body was sweaty.

I still couldn’t believe that it was done. That I was finally divorced from him. The proof of that was currently in my handbag. I was here to bring the final papers to him and to pick Noah up.

Entering the house, I follow the sounds of hushed voices but stop in my tracks when I near the kitchen.

Right now I could hear them clearly and what I heard encased my soul in ice.

“I still don’t understand why you can’t live with me and mommy?” Noah asks his father.

My shaking hands go to my chest. My heart breaking at the sadness in his voice. I would do anything for him, but this divorce was inevitable.

Our marriage had been a mistake. Everything about us was a mistake. It just took me a while to see the truth.

“You know why Noah, you mother and I are no longer together” His voice is soft as he replies.

It’s weird really. That during the duration of our marriage he has never once spoken to me softly. It was always cold. Always flat and devoid of any emotion

“But why?”

“These things just happen” he mumbles.

I can imagine his face frowning. As he tries to make Noah understand so that he doesn’t ask any more questions. But Noah is my son. Curiosity and inquisition is in his blood.

“Don’t you love her?”

My breath gets caught at the simple heartfelt question. I take a step back and lean against the wall. Heart racing, I wait in anticipation for his answer.

I knew his answer. I’ve always known what it is. Everyone with the exception of Noah probably knows that answer.

The truth is he doesn’t love me. Never had and never will. That was as clear as day. Knowing this, I still wanted to hear his reply. Would he tell our son the truth or lie to him?

He clears his throat, obviously stalling. “Noah…”

“Dad, do you love mommy or not?” Noah asks again, his voice final.

I hear him sigh in defeat. “I love her for giving me you” he finally says.

It was a placation not an answer.

I close my eyes against the rush of pain that fills me. After all this time. It still hurts. I feel my heart breaking all over again. I don’t know why a small part of me had hoped that his answer would be different.

He never said those three words to me. Not when we got married or when I gave birth to Noah, nor after in the years that had passed or when we slept together.

He held himself back through the entire duration of our marriage. I gave him my all but he gave me nothing in return except pain and heartache.

We were married but instead of two, there were three of us in our marriage. Him, me and the love of his life. The woman he’s refused to let go for nine long years.

Tears fill my eyes but I rub them way. I was tired of crying. Tired of chasing after a man that didn’t want me.

“Has anyone ever told you it’s rude to listen to other people’s conversations?”

His deep voice cuts through the silent space. Interrupting my thoughts in the process. I square my shoulders and enter the kitchen.

There he stands near the kitchen counter. My now ex-husband, Rowan Woods.

His mocking grey eyes pins me to the spot.

My eyes shift to my son. My pride and joy. The only good thing in my life. His good looks are definitely curtesy of his dad. He has my brown hair and his penetrating grey eyes.

“Hello” I give them a small smile.

“Hi mommy” Noah places his half eaten sandwich down and jumps down from the counter. He rushes to me and hugs my mid-section. “I’ve missed you”

“Missed you too, my love” I kiss his forehead before he steps away from me and goes back to his food.

I stand there awkwardly. This used to be my home, but now I feel out of place in it. Like I don’t belong.

In truth though, I never did.

Knowingly or unknowingly, he built this house with HER in mind. This was HER dream house, everything down to the color scheme.

That should have been the first indication that he wasn’t planning on letting her go. That he wouldn’t reciprocate my love for him.

“What are you doing here?” he asks in annoyance and stares at his watch. “You promised you wouldn’t interrupt my time with Noah”

“I know…I got the divorce degree today and I thought I could bring you the copy while I pick up Noah”

His face turns stone cold and his lips form a thin line. Every time he looks at me like this, a piece of me breaks. I’ve loved him since I can remember but that doesn’t mean anything to him.

Over and over, he has broken my heart and shattered my soul. I continued loving him. Holding on. Thinking things will change, but they never did.

When we got married I thought I would finally get love. The love I’ve been craving since I was a child. I was wrong. Marriage turned to be a nightmare. I was always fighting with the ghost of his past. The ghost of a girl I could never measure up to no matter how much I tried.

I rub my chest. Trying to ease the pain that was encased there.

It does no good. It still hurts even though we’ve been separated for months.

“Noah, could you go up to your room? Your mother and I need to discuss something” Rowan says through clenched teeth, the word mother slipping out of his mouth in disgust.

He looks between us for a minute before nodding.

“No fighting” he commands before leaving.

As soon as he is out of ear shot, Rowan bangs his fist on the counter in anger. His grey eyes are icy as he addresses me.

“You could have sent them to my office instead of interrupting my time with my son” the words leave in a growl. His hands are fisted and he looks about ready to blow up on me.

“Rowan…” I sigh, unable to complete the sentence.

“No. ABSOLUTELY No! You turned my life upside down nine years ago, you did it again when you asked for that divorce, was it your way of hurting me? Separating me from my son because I couldn’t love you. Newsflash Ava, I really hate you”

He’s breathing hard by the time he’s done. The angry words tumble out of his mouth like bullets shooting straight at me. I feel them pierce my heart. Each word shattering my already fragile heart.

“I-I…”

What’s there to say when the man you still love says he hates you?

“Just get out of my house…I’ll bring Noah home when my time with him is over” he snaps.

I put the divorce decree down on the counter. I was going to apologize when my phone rings. I take it out of my bag and check the caller ID.

MOTHER.

I wanted to ignore it but she never calls me unless it’s something important.

I swipe the screen and bring the phone to my ear.

I sigh “Mothe…”

She doesn’t give me chance to finish my sentence.

“Get to the hospital now! Your father has been shot” she says almost hysterically before hanging up.

My phone slips from my hand. I’m shocked.

“What is it?” his voice penetrates my brain.

Heart racing, I don’t look up as I pick my phone and answer him.

“Father has been shot”

“I need to go, could you please stay with Noah? I don’t know how long I’ll be there” I say absent mindedly as I pick up my handbag.

“Sure. I’ll be there as soon as I can get my mother to come baby sit him” Rowan responds but it is drowned by the ringing in my ears.

Nothing much registers as I say goodbye to my son and leave. I get inside my car and begin to drive to the hospital. My mind completely lost in memory.

Growing up, you could say that I was emotional neglected. I was the child that none of my parents cared that much about. Father’s favorite was my older sister, Emma. He used to call her his baby girl. His princess. Mother’s favorite was my older brother Travis. He was her handsome boy. I was no one favorite. I was just Ava.

I always felt unwanted. Unwelcomed. Not only with my parents but also with my siblings. No matter what I tried to do, good grades, sports, school clubs. I always remained in the sidelines. I always felt like a stranger looking in. Never part of the big happy family.

After what happened nine years ago, the little relationship I had with my family became none existence. Travis rarely talked to me and he and father would even go to great lengths to downright snub me. Mother wasn’t much different. She only talked to me or called when she had something important to tell me. With my sister that was a completely different case. We haven’t seen or talked to each other in nine years. The last words she told me was that I was dead to her. That she no longer had a sister.

Now here I am. Driving to the hospital because father has been shot and all I feel is numb. Despite everything that has happened. Shouldn’t I be feeling something more? Maybe sadness?

What are you supposed to feel when you’re told that the father who shunned you all your life is lying in bed with a blood hole that never heals? How am I supposed to react? And is it weird that I feel nothing?

The whole drive to the hospital is reflective. As I think of my childhood and even part of my adulthood. The pain and hurt is still there. I don’t think the pain of rejection from my own family will ever go away.

That’s who I am. A rejected woman. First by my family, then by my husband and in laws. The only one who accepts me and loves me just the way I am is Noah.

It doesn’t take long to get to the hospital. We had one main big hospital in this town and I just knew that’s where my father was.

Parking my car, I get out. The cool evening air ruffles my hair. I take a deep breath and square my shoulder before entering the building.

“I’m looking for James Sharp, I believe he was brought in for a gunshot wound” I tell the receptionist once I get to the front desk.

“Any relation?” she asks.

“He’s my father”

She nods her head. “Give me a minute.” She pauses while she types on her computer. “Right, he is in the ER, getting prepped for surgery. Just go straight ahead, at the end you’ll see the emergency door. You’ll find your family there”

“Thanks”

I turn around and follow her instruction. My heart beating with every step I take.

‘He’s going to be okay. He’ll recover soon and go back to his old self’ I whisper to myself.

Despite our differences I wanted him to be well. He and I may not have a relationship but he’s loving towards Noah and that’s all I can ever ask for.

I push the door and enter. I immediately spot mother and Travis on the waiting chair. I school my features and approach them.

“Mother, Travis” I say as a way of greeting.

They both look up at me. Mother’s eyes are bloodshot from crying and her blue sundress is covered in blood. Travis’ eyes are dry but you can still see how much this is affecting him. He was trying to keep it together for mother’s sake.

I take a sit next to her. “What happened and how is he doing?”

The question brings on about of fresh tears.

“He was shot twice on his way back from the store, right outside our house. I called the ambulance immediately and we brought him here. The doctors say one of the bullets pierced his lungs and the other his kidney. They’re preparing him for surgery” her voice catches at the end.

I nod my head. I want to comfort her. To hug her, but I don’t think my touch would be welcomed.

“Don’t worry. Father is the strongest man I know. He’ll be okay” I try to reassure her.

She doesn’t say anything. Just continues to cry.

Minutes later they bring father out. He’s dressed in a hospital gown and is lying on a hospital bed. Travis and mother immediately stand up and rush to his side.

I stay seated. I’m pretty sure my face is the last thing he wants to see. He would rather it be Emma’s.

I watch as mother cries over him. He weakly wipes her tears but they keep falling. He tells Travis something and Travis nods. His face etched in determination. Before they take him away, I see him hand over what looks like a paper to mother. This brings fresh tears running down her face.

She kisses him and they wheel him away. Mother and Travis come back and take their seats. We don’t talk as we begin the long wait.

I stand up, I pace, I sit back down. I get everyone coffee. As each minute passes, I grow more anxious and so do the rest. Two and half hour later, the doctor comes to the waiting.

From the somber look on his face, I just know that father didn’t make it. Mother senses the same thing because she starts hiccupping.

“He went into cardiac arrest, we tried everything we could, but we weren’t able to save him. I’m sorry for your loss” he says.

The sound that tears out of mother’s lips is animalistic. Full of pain and sorrow. Travis catches her before she falls and they both sink to the floor. Both crying at the loss.

Father was dead and I knew that meant that Emma would have to come back.

I sat on the cold hospital chair breathing in then out. Mother was still sobbing and she couldn’t be consoled. My heart broke for her. I understand it isn’t easy losing the man you love in such an unexpected way.

It was still a shock. I expected him to make a full recovery but now he was dead and I had no idea how to feel.

We never saw eye to eye and even though he hated me. I loved him. He was after all my father so how could I not love him?

“You okay?” Rowan asks sitting down beside me.

He arrived about an hour ago and this is the first time he talked to me since he came. I didn’t know what to do with the concern he was showing. After all he has never taken my feelings into consideration before.

“Yeah” I manage to say.

I haven’t shed a tear since we were given the news. Maybe it was belated shock or maybe I ran out of tears for him. Right now I was doing all I could to stay afloat since everyone else was breaking down.

I see feet in my peripheral vision and when I look up I find Travis staring at me. Just like always there isn’t a flicker of warmth in his eyes when he looks at me. I know what I did was a wrong but I haven’t I paid enough for that night?

“What?” I ask him.

“Mom called Emma when dad got shot so she should be arriving soon. She still doesn’t know that dad didn’t make it” he says.

I hear Rowan’s sharp intake of air. That’s the only indication I need to know that her name still affects him. The warmth he provided just a few minutes ago turns cold and I know that once again I’ve lost him.

“I figured” I mumble because what else is there to say.

I haven’t spoken to her in years. I doubt she would want to be in the same vicinity as me given how much she hates me.

“I expect you to be cordial and give her space” mother adds, wiping the tears from her face.

“Mother, you know what you’re asking me is nearly impossible”

“I don’t care what’s possible or not. You ran my daughter off nine years ago with your betrayal. I won’t let you do that again especially now that your father is no longer with us and we need each other” she says through clenched teeth.

I hate how they keep throwing the past in my face. Haven’t I already paid enough for the actions I took when I was young and foolish? Yet they keep punishing me.

“In case you’ve forgotten I’m also your daughter or am I also dead to you?”

I don’t give her the chance to answer. I stand up and leave. I needed fresh air. I needed to think.

Once I’m outside I breathe in the cold air. Tears sting my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. What am I even doing here? Why did she bother calling me if she feels like she only has one daughter?

Part of me wants to walk away right now and never look back. After all, I never considered myself part of their family and they didn’t consider me as one of their own too. I should just leave and forget about them just like they seem to have forgotten about me.

“Ma’am are you James Sharp’s daughter?” a nurse appears almost giving me a heart attack

I nod my head after calming down my erratic beating heart.

“You’re needed. They’re viewing the body” she softly tells me, probably trying to be mindful of my feelings.

“Okay, just give me a minute”

She leaves after that giving me the space to make my decision. Despite his neglect, he still provided for me so I owe him. With that, I make a decision. I would give him a proper burial, then after that I would wash my hands from them.

They could be the perfect little family. They would no longer have to put up with me like they have been doing.

Going back inside, I ask for the direction to the morgue. By the time I get there, the rest had already finished viewing his body.

I look down at him. Lying cold in the slab. He looks so at peace. Kind of like he does when he is asleep. You would think that he is just resting. Instead he was dead. His soul long departed from his body.

“Goodbye father” I tell him.

I give him one last look before leaving the cold room. I shake off the heaviness that settles over my heart knowing he wasn’t the only one I would be saying goodbye to. They would never love me. It was time I let go of that fantasy.

I get to the waiting area and take the furthest seat. Mother was sorting out papers and bills. Travis was staring at the wall, looking lost and alone. Rowan was nowhere to be seen.

Sitting there, I think of all I have to do. It would be nearly impossible to avoid them but I was determined. This is the only way I knew to protect my peace. I was tired of being constantly in pain. Tired of my heart constantly being wounded by those around me.

I hear a commotion near me and I look up. That’s when I’m hit with her sight. She’s still as beautiful as ever. Long blonde hair, endless legs, heart shaped face and a Kardashian body that drives men crazy.

Travis is hugging her. Whispering comforting words. Something he didn’t do for me when I arrived. Just like always the longing and pain hits me, but I push it back.

They separate just as Rowan arrives. The moment he sees her, his knees buckle. I can see the way his Adam’s apple bobbles.

“Emma?” his word is chocked as he calls her name. So many emotions put on that one name.

Her head swivels in his direction. The moment their eyes meet, everything else fades away. It’s like nothing exists but the two of them. Quicker than the Flash can move, they’re in each other’s arms.

If I though seeing Travis hug Emma hurt then I had no idea how this would tear me apart. How it would destroy me.

Emma was back. Seeing her in Rowan’s arms, no one needed to tell me the truth that was always in my face. He was still madly in love with her even after all these years.

Have you ever felt like your heart has been put in a mincer? That is how I feel right now looking at them. I feel like my heart has been shredded into pieces.

If I could take the useless piece of organ and throw it away then I would. Because the pain that was tearing through me was unimaginable.

I wanted to run away. To look away, but I couldn’t. My eyes were fixed on them and no matter how I wanted to avert them it was like they were glued there. To the loving scene that was playing before me.

I watch as they separate. Rowan’s eyes soften as he stares at the love of his life. I continue to watch as he cups her face in his hands. He brings her closer to him. He doesn’t kiss her, just lays his forehead against hers.

He looks peaceful. Like he’s finally home after a long time. Like he was finally whole.

‘I’ve missed you’ I read the words forming on his lips.

I don’t want to imagine what would be happening between them right now if they had met under a different circumstance. If they had met when we were still married. Would he have cheated on me?

Part of me wants to deny that thought but I can’t be sure. After all, this was Emma we were talking about. Rowan would jump into the valcano and back for her sake.

Unable to take it anymore. I stand up and rush outside.

The moment I get outside the tears begin to fall. It hurt and I didn’t know how to numb or stop the pain. But who could I blame? I was the one at fault for falling in love with a man that didn’t belong to me.

“Please make it stop. Make the pain stop” I beg whichever higher power is there to listen to me.

There is no answer though. No reprieve.

My hands covered my body. I feel my chest constricting. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs no matter what I tried. I felt like I was slowly dying. Slowly fading.

“This is what happens when you want a man that doesn’t belong to you” his mocking voice penetrates the fog.

“What do you want Travis…if you’re here to mock me or warn me to stay away from your precious little sister then you can walk your ass back to the hospital where your family is. There is nothing here for you” I wipe my tear stained eyes and put my mask back in place.

I won’t let him see me cry. I won’t give them the chance to see me break.

He’s surprised at my words. The shock is etched on his face. I guess he never expected me to talk back at him.

“I was just making sure you to understand that Rowan always belonged to Emma. Your selfishness took him away from her but now they can be together. I hope you won’t get in the way of their happiness. They’re long overdue”

I let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t get in anyone’s way ever again. After this, none of you will have to see or put up with me anymore” I mumble bitterly.

He stares at me. His brows pinched in confusion. “What do you mean?”

I was tired and all I wanted was to go to sleep and forget this day ever happened. I’ll cry myself to sleep then wake up feeling refreshed and ready to face the next few days.

“Tell mother I’ll be by to help with burial preparations, that’s if she even wants my help. And tell your sister I said Hi”

With that, I walk away. Heading towards my car. I can hear Travis calling my name but I don’t bother to turn around. I just wanted to go home and break apart in peace.

I get into my car and drive home. Rowan told me that Noah was with his mother. I didn’t want to deal yet with another person that hated my guts. He was safe, so I’ll just pick him tomorrow.

I get home in record time. Being there alone just reminded me how truly alone I am. I have no one to comfort me or look after me. No one to love me. I have absolutely no one except for Noah.

Fresh tears start falling down my face.

I’m so tired of crying yet I can’t seem to stop. If only I could go back in time and change things. Maybe right now I would be married to a man that actually loves me.

But that’s the things about the past. Once it’s happened, you can never change it.

It’s three days since father died and everyone is in turmoil. It came as shock to everyone. He was a well known and loved man. So everyone was feeling his loss.

I haven’t seen Rowan since that day. He has called though multiple times but I ignored his calls. He was probably all loved up and in Emma’s arms right now. She has probably even moved in with him already. I didn’t need him rubbing that in my face.

Shaking those bitter thoughts, I focus on zipping my black dress.

“Mommy?” Noah’s voice comes from behind me.

I turn to find him with tears in his eyes. I am on my knees so that I am on eye level with him.

“What is it my love?” I ask him.

“I miss him so much. We were supposed to go fishing with this Saturday” his voice catches and my heart breaks at his pain.

James Sharp may have been a terrible father to me but he was a great grandfather to my son.

I hug Noah to my chest and whisper comforting words as his tears soaked my dress.

“I know that you miss him but he is with angels now and he will always look after you from above. Remember he can never be truly gone because he lives in here…” I touch his chest. “And here” I touch his head.

“Besides, he wouldn’t want you crying. Do you want to make him sad?” I gently ask and he shakes his head.

“Good, here is what we’re going to do. Instead of being sad, we’re going to remember all the wonderful memories we had with him, okay?”

I have very few good memories with him but Noah had a lot. I was going to help him hold tight to those.

“Okay”

I wipe the tears from his face and stand up. Picking my purse, I hold out my hand out for him. He takes it and looks up at me.

“Now, let’s go give you grandpa a proper sendoff”

He gives me a small smile and with that we leave. It was time to say goodbye.

Nothing about the day spelled disaster. The sun was shining and everything seemed to be well in place as I drove down the familiar streets.

The chapel was fully packed when we arrived. Almost everyone had come to pay their last respects.

I surveyed the place and was satisfied to see everything was in place. None of the others had been much help when it came to the burial preparation. I was the one that was left to shoulder the weight of everything.

I didn’t complain though. I took it as a chance for me to reciprocate what he’d done for me. After all, he had fed me, clothed me and put a room over my head.

The service was about to begin and most people were already seated. I decided to sit on the opposite side. It didn’t feel right sitting with the rest. It especially didn’t feel right sitting next to Emma.

“Mom, why are we sitting here…shouldn’t we sit next to grandma?” Noah asks, pointing at where the others were.

Of course we were getting weird looks but I didn’t care. After all, it wasn’t a secret that I wasn’t wholly accepted by the family after everything that happened.

“Most people are already seated. I don’t want us to cause a fracas” I lie.

He looks like he doesn’t believe me but choses to let it go. The father arrives and the sermon begins just as I feel someone sit next to me.

I tense. I would know his presence and cologne anywhere. I don’t know what he was doing seated here. He should be with his precious Emma. In fact I would prefer if he were there.

Crap, I sound bitter. Which I was. Bitter, angry and hurt.

“Dad” Noah whisper yells, which causes a few people to turn and look at us.

I glower at them making them turn back around.

“Can I sit between the two of you?” Noah whispers to me.

I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness for small miracles. I wouldn’t have to be near his suffocating presence.

Stealthy moving us, I’m able to switch seats with him. The moment we do, I feel the tension ease up a little.

“We all must leave this world one day, the question is how will you leave it? Will you have made a difference? Changed it and touched the lives of those that you met along the way? Or will you leave it with regrets?” the preacher possess the question.

I can’t help but think about it. If I were to die today, who will attend my burial? Will those around me even care? Whom am I kidding? They wouldn’t. They would probably hold a celebratory feast. The only one who will be affected by my death will be Noah. Just him and no one else.

It’s honestly sad. The life I have. I don’t have any friends mostly because I hold myself back. Living under the perfect shadow that was Emma nailed in the fact that I can never be good enough for anyone. I wasn’t as beautiful as she was. Attractive as she was. Smart as she was. Loved as she was. I wasn’t perfect as Emma was. I was nothing compared to her.

Even now when we’re older, I’m still in her shadow. No one sees my pain or suffering. It’s all about Emma. Her pain is bigger than mine. Her happiness is a priority over mine. She always comes first in everyone’s mind while I’m left chasing after leftovers of their affection.

“Mommy” Noah’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

It’s then I realize that the service was over and everyone was leaving.

“Ava, you okay?” his deep voice always makes me shiver.

I don’t want to talk to him let alone look at him but I’ll have to because for the next ten years we’ll be sharing Noah’s custody.

Shrugging my shoulders I stand up, without looking at him. I know it seems rude but I just can’t look at him. Not when the memory of him staring lovingly at Emma is still fresh in my mind.

“Come on Noah, let’s go”

He jumps up and we walk towards the door. Once we’re outside we’re bombarded by a crowd of people wanting to give us their condolences. I spot some of my colleagues and wave at them.

We hadn’t buried father yet and I was already drained.

“So you’ve finally decided to show your face” Emma’s bitter voice says behind me.

I turn around to face her. Her face was blotchy and her eyes were red and puffy, but she still looked like a freaking goddess.

I sigh. I so didn’t want to face her right now.

“Not now Emma. Can we just bury father first?”

She smiles then leans in so that I’m the only one that can hear her.

“We will bury him alright but let me tell you that I am here to stay. You also took my family from me all those years ago but no more. I plan to take everything back, including the man that was meant to be mine” she then steps aside and leaves just as the preacher calls us to go to back where the cemetery is.

Noah looks between me and the departing back of my sister but doesn’t say anything. I’m left shocked at her words but not really surprised.

What she doesn’t understand is that she doesn’t have to take anything back because none of them were mine to begin with. The family she’s talking about worships the ground she walks one. And Rowan? Rowan was and still is her man.

Pushing down the pain that wanted to drown me, I lead Noah to the place that would be father’s final resting place.

I stand a little distance from mother, Emma and Travis. They’re huddled together. Looking at them and me you would think that I was a stranger just attending the burial instead of part of them.

“Dust to dust…” the preacher says as they lower father’s body to the ground.

They then begin to cover his coffin with soil until he is completely buried. Mother’s wails are the loudest as she begs for father to come back to her. Emma and Travis both have silent tears running down their faces as they hold her in their arms.

I comfort Noah. Hugging him as he cries beside me. Seeing him like this brings tears to my eyes. I hate seeing him in pain. I wipe my tears away. I need to be strong for him. He needs me now.

Once again people flood us to offer their condolences. I accept them mindlessly. It was like I was there but wasn’t at the same time. By the time I come out of it, most people were already dispersed.

“Mom, there is pa and ma” he drags me pointing to Rowan’s parents.

They were there with Rowan and his twin brother Gabriel.

I stand awkwardly as he greets them. They look at me in passing but don’t say anything. We both know that I wasn’t their choice for their son.

“Can I get snacks with them?” Noah asks and I nod.

He hasn’t eaten in hours so he was hungry. Once they leave, we are left standing awkwardly beside each other. Now that his focus wasn’t occupied by Noah, it was solely on Emma who was standing a few feet from us.

I was about to excuse myself when I hear a screeching of tires. Everything happened so fast. Men with guns opened fire. The minute they started the chaos I saw Rowan dive for Emma.

I stood shocked as I watched him protect her with his body.

I can’t believe he abandoned me to protect her. Why was I even surprised? This just proved that I’ll never be his priority. Seeing him protect her with his life completely broke something inside me.

“Watch out!” A man with a bullet-proof jacket shouted at me.

He pushed me out of the way, but it was already too late. Something pierced my skin and I fell from the impact of the hit. My breath knocked out of me.

“Someone call an ambulance” he knelt down next to me and put pressure on the wound.

I was confused, dizzy and in pain. I went to tell him I was okay but then I saw blood soaking my dress and his hands. I hated the sight blood.

“Oh god…Noah” I whispered.

He was my last thought right before everything faded into darkness.