Died to Be Loved

I ran out barefoot.

Mom was on the living room floor, crying loud.

I went over and pulled her sleeve. "Mom, what's wrong?"

She shoved me. "You still asking?"

She grabbed my shoulders and shook me hard. "Why'd you tell Grandma you wanted meatballs? Are you starving here? We don't feed you? Say it!"

I froze. "I just missed Grandma—"

She slapped me.

"You missed her? You missed her to death! If you didn't say that, would she stay up all night cooking and rush over? Would she crash? You're bad luck! My mom is gone because of you! Why don't you just die? Why wasn't it you?"

She shoved me again.

I stumbled back. My head hit the wall.

I didn't feel it. I just kept thinking, 'Grandma is dead? I killed Grandma?'

Dad grabbed Mom before she lost it. "Calm down! What does this have to do with Chloe?"

Mom fought him, face wet and messy. "How does it not? She caused it! She killed my mom! Let me go! Throw her out! I never want to see her again!"

Dad dragged her toward the door. "Chloe, stay here. Take care of Nina. We're going out."

I slid down the wall and sat on the floor.

My face felt cold. I touched it. My hand came back wet.

I didn't know when I started crying.

Later, Grandma really came back.

But she came in a coffin.

Mom stopped crying.

She stood in front of me with a plate of meatballs and said nothing, just shoved them into my mouth.

She stared at me. "Why aren't you swallowing? Didn't you want them? Then eat!"

I chewed slow. Before I could swallow one, she pushed in another.

"Swallow!"

I couldn't stop gagging.

She slapped me. "You gonna throw up? Grandma died because of you, and you won't even eat what she made?"

She grabbed my hair and yanked my head up. "How did I end up with you?"

Her fists and slaps kept coming.

I didn't move. I just bit my lip.

Dad rushed over and pulled her back. "Enough! Calm down!"

She fought him, crying hard. "I don't have a mom anymore!"

Dad's eyes got red too.

He held her and looked at me like it was my fault.

I sat on the floor. My whole body hurt.

But my heart hurt more. It hurt so bad I could barely breathe.

Grandma was gone.

I killed Grandma.

I covered my mouth. I didn't dare make a sound. I felt really, really sad.

"Chloe."

Nina stood at the door, calling me.

I pushed myself up and went into her room.

She closed the door and touched my swollen cheek. "Does it hurt?"

I nodded. My head felt like it was splitting.

Nina sighed and gave me a piece of candy. "Eat this. It won't hurt anymore. I eat candy when I'm hurting. Don't cry. Grandma loved you most. If she sees you cry, she'll be sad."

I sniffed. My voice barely worked. "It's my fault Grandma died. I—"

She cut me off. "It's not your fault. Everyone dies. Just sooner or later."

I sat next to her, crying like I couldn't stop.

After a while, she spoke soft. "Chloe, if I die, will you cry like this for me?"

I jerked and shook my head. "No! You won't die!"

She looked at me and scoffed. "Idiot. You don't have to lie. I know I'm dying."

She paused. "Maybe dying isn't so bad. If I die, I won't hurt anymore. And Grandma won't be alone."

She looked at me, eyes bright. "I'll go stay with Grandma. Don't be sad."

I stared at her. My head felt empty.

Then a thought came.

'The one who should die is me. The one who should go stay with Grandma is me.

'If I die, Nina won't have to.

'Mom and Dad won't be sad. And I can be with Grandma again.'

I looked at my wrist and thought, 'Nina, don't hate me anymore. I love you. I won't let you die.'