Before We Were Us

Monday morning arrived with the kind of oppressive humidity that made the fluorescent lights of North Hills High feel ten degrees hotter. I spent the morning avoiding the hallways where the football team usually congregated. I didn't want to see the way Noah's arm looked draped over Madison's locker. I didn't want to see the "golden couple" in their natural habitat.

By the time the seventh period rolled around, I was practically vibrating with nervous energy. Math Club was my sanctuary. There were no pom-poms here, no varsity jackets, and no expectations to be the "saved" girl. Here, I was just a brain with a pencil.

The club room was tucked away in the basement of the science wing, smelling faintly of dry-erase markers and old floor cleaner. Dani Reyes was already there, hunched over a desk with three different colored highlighters tucked into her messy bun.

"You look like a derivative that can't be solved," Dani said without looking up.

I dropped my bag on the desk next to her. "That's oddly specific."

"It means you look complicated, Isla. And stressed." She finally looked up, her glasses sliding down the bridge of her nose. "The Saturday night dinner didn't go well, I take it? I saw Madison's post. She looked like she was marking her territory in your own dining room."

I winced, opening my textbook to the section on advanced trigonometry. "She was just being Madison. She wants Noah to go to West State with her."

Dani whistled lowly. "And Noah?"

"He was... Noah. Moody. Quiet. He didn't like me mentioning Chicago."

Dani stopped highlighting and turned her chair to face me. "Of course he didn't. Noah Callahan has spent the last eight years building a world where you are the sun and he's the planet orbiting you. "Moving to Chicago isn't just a school choice", Dani said." For Noah, it is like his entire world is disappearing .

"You're being dramatic," I muttered, scribbling a formula onto my notepad. "He has Madison. He has football. He has a family."

"He has a girlfriend he treats like a trophy and a sport he plays because he's good at it," Dani countered, her voice dropping. "But he has you because he needs you. There's a difference."

I tried to focus on the numbers, but they were blurring. \sin^2\theta + \cos^2\theta = 1. A perfect identity. Simple. Constant. My life felt like the opposite,an equation with too many variables and no clear solution.

"He's my best friend , Dani," I said, though the words felt like ash in my mouth. "That's the identity we've been assigned. If I change it, the whole thing falls apart. I lose Elena. I lose Michael. I lose the only house that hasn't burned down or been taken away from me."

Dani reached over, gently taking the pencil out of my hand. "Isla, look at me. You are a genius at math because you see patterns. You see how things fit together. Why are you choosing to be blind to this one?"

"Because the cost of being right is too high," I whispered.

The door to the club room creaked open, and for a terrifying second, I thought it was Noah. But it was just the club advisor, Mr. Henderson, carrying a stack of practice exams.

"Alright, everyone. Regional competition is in three weeks. I want you paired up. Solve the set on the board. No calculators for the first half."

Dani and I turned toward the board. The problems were complex,multivariable calculus and geometric proofs. Usually, I could slide into the logic of it like a warm bath, letting the numbers drown out the noise of my life. But today, every triangle I drew reminded me of the one I was currently trapped in: Noah, Madison, and me.

"Isla," Dani said, nudging my arm as she worked through a proof. "Check the hallway."

I glanced toward the small glass pane in the classroom door.

Noah was standing there.

He wasn't supposed to be in this wing. The athletic facilities were on the complete opposite side of the campus. He was leaning against the lockers, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, looking at the door. He wasn't coming in. He was just... waiting.

"He's been there for ten minutes," Dani whispered. "He thinks he's being subtle. He's about as subtle as a linebacker in a china shop."

My heart did that annoying, stuttering thing again. "He probably just needs to ask me something about dinner."

"Or," Dani said, scribbling the final answer to a problem, "he realized that the silence from the other side of the wall last night was the loudest thing he's ever heard."

I stood up, my legs feeling like lead. "Mr. Henderson? Can I step out for a second?"

The teacher waved a hand dismissively, and I walked toward the door. When I pushed it open, the cool air of the hallway hit me, but it did nothing to settle the fire under my skin.

Noah straightened up the second he saw me. He looked tired. There were faint shadows under his eyes that hadn't been there at the game.

"Hey," he said. His voice was rough, like he hadn't used it all day.

"Hey. You're in the wrong wing, quarterback."

He didn't smile. He stepped closer, invading my personal space until I could smell that familiar mix of soap and the outdoors. "You didn't knock back last night", he said quietly.

It wasn't a question. It was an accusation.

"I was tired, Noah. It was a long day."

"You weren't tired," he said, his blue eyes searching mine with a desperation that made me want to run and stay all at once. "You were hiding. You've been hiding since the drive home."

"Maybe I'm just trying to give you and Madison some space," I snapped, the words slipping out before I could stop them. "Isn't that what you want? The West State dream? The perfect couple?"

Noah's jaw tightened so hard I thought I heard his teeth grind. He stepped even closer, pinning me between him and the cold metal lockers. "Don't do that. Don't act like Madison is the reason you're looking at schools a thousand miles away."

"She's part of it!" I hissed, conscious of the quiet classroom just feet away. "Everything is changing, Noah. You're becoming someone else, and I'm still just the girl in the spare room. I need to know who I am without the Callahans. I need to know who I am without you."

Noah reached out, his thumb brushing against the sleeve of my cheer jacket. His touch was light, but it felt like an electric shock. 

"You've always been part of my life. I don't really know what things look like without you around."" he whispered. He leaned closer, his voice dropping, like he didn't want anyone else to hear.

The honesty of it was a physical blow. This was the crack in the foundation. Something in his voice felt unfamiliar, like we had stepped into a version of our friendship I didn't recognize revealing something more terrifying underneath.

"Noah," I breathed, my hand rising to his chest to push him away, but my fingers ended up curling into the fabric of his shirt instead. "We can't."

"I know," he said, his forehead dropping to rest against mine. "But I'm struggling, Isla. I'm really struggling."

From inside the classroom, I heard the bell ring. The sudden noise shattered the moment. I pulled away, my face flushed, my breath coming in short, jagged gasps.

"I have to go," I said, grabbing the door handle.

"Isla," he called out as I turned away. I stopped, but I didn't look back. "I'm not going to West State. Not unless you're there."

I ducked back into the classroom before he could see the tears pricking at my eyes. I sat back down next to Dani, who was staring at me with a mixture of pity and "I told you so."

"So," Dani said softly. "Still think it's just 'big brother' energy?"

I looked down at my notebook. I had scribbled a single word over and over in the margins, disguised as a variable.

Home.

I realized then that I could go to Chicago, or Paris, or the moon. But as long as Noah Callahan was looking at me like that, I would always be exactly where I started. And that was the most dangerous place in the world to be.