The Darkness

What was I going to do? Who would I trust, and whom would I consult? Most importantly, what would I do without Aunt Rumeysa? I collapsed on the edge of the wall I found and started to cry, covering my face with my arms. Didn't I have a cotton aunt now? Wouldn't he come? Did he leave me alone too? I lifted my head from the pressure I felt on my arm. Nermin was her sister. "Elif, my daughter, Ahmet is afraid. Take her home. She's had enough in these environments, baby," one Which house would I take Ahmet to? My house, which is open to everyone and where anyone can enter as they wish? Was it very safe? Or was it too little pain? I got up from the ground. I went to my tearful brother, who was looking at me at the door, and kissed his hair. He brought me back to four years ago with his tiny hands wrapped around my waist. We were at home when we lost my parents, and we found out by two policemen who came to the house. Ahmet hugged me not because he lost my parents that day, but because he was afraid of the police. He understood from my cry that we lost them. He had grown up now, and some things were easier to understand. I hugged him so he could wrap his feet around my waist. He was crying silently with his head buried in my neck. I swallowed the wetness against my skin. We entered the house with the key that I had forcibly taken out of my bag. I listened to the house for a short time at the entrance of the door. After believing that no one was there, I took my brother's shoes off and took him to his room. He hadn't taken his hands off my neck when I laid him on his bed. On the contrary, he was held tighter. I sat on the bed and took her little body in my lap. "My Ahmet... Don't cry... He went to heaven. With our parents..." Even when I was crying, I couldn't be convincing. How could I convince him when I was crying myself... We sat like this for minutes. Neither he spoke nor I opened my mouth once again. He had run out of words to say. All we had to do was deal with this pain as well. But how would we do it? Could we find the ointment for the third wound for our two wounds that we could not find? With the doorbell ringing, I put Ahmet, who was sleeping in my lap, in his place. I kissed her hair once more and closed the door of the room and left the room. While passing through the hall, I did not neglect to check around. When I looked through the binoculars, I saw that it was Nermin's sister, and I opened it immediately. He was as surprised as me. I asked him to come in by opening the door, and he must have understood that he took off his slippers and went inside. We sat on sofas in the living room facing each other. "Elif, dear... I know it was very sudden, but you have to endure. Aunt Rümeysa was very sick." "I know. He had coughed only last night, and he wasn't looking well. I told him to go to the doctor, but he said he was fine." Why did I listen to him? Why didn't I take better care of her? "My life was in the last stage of her illness. Unfortunately, she couldn't tell you this... She called me last night after you left her. There's a man who takes care of Aunt Rümeysa." "Is it Kemal, brother?" He was the man who did all the work for Aunt Rumeysa. He used to come very often and take care of Aunt Rumeysa. "Yes, Kemal. He called him yesterday without calling me. When we went to the hospital, he had a crisis and intervened until the morning..." "Why didn't you call me? I would have seen him for the last time, at least." Even though he was startled by my sudden shout, I didn't back down. They should have let me see him one last time. "Who would you leave Ahmet to, dear? Otherwise, why shouldn't I call? I was so sure that you would be fine in the morning..." She wiped the tears from her eyes. "But unfortunately we lost him." Yes, we also lost Aunt Rumeysa. Another wing of mine was broken. Another loved one left me... I spent the whole day crying and with Ahmet. They called when they realized that I wasn't coming from work, and I told them that I couldn't come and even took a few days off. Brother İhsan knew Aunt Rümeysa and thanked him; he said that I could take as much time off as I wanted. Nermin's sister would come and check us out from time to time. Rümeysa's aunt, Nermin's sister, and I were alone in the apartment. Nermin's sister was a tailor and lived alone. She had never been married. We did not know the relatives of Rümeysa's aunt, and according to what Nermin's sister said, people who were known to be socialites would come and talk to Kemal's brother. The timing of the burial depended on the grandchild who was abroad. We learned that you will be buried tomorrow with the news that came at night. There was no problem because her grandson found a plane ticket. I had waited until morning. The only breath that comforted me in the silence was the breath of my brother sleeping on my legs. Now it's just the two of us. I could tell that he understood that too, that he was not leaving my side. I opened my eyes to the ringing bell. My tear-filled eyes were closing as if they were opening. I rubbed my eyes and laid Ahmet on the pillow on the side of my lap. When I ran to the door, I first looked through the hole, and then when I opened the door, my eyes were caught by the crowd behind Nermin's sister. More people than I can count, dressed in black, were entering the opposite apartment. The black suits he was wearing were not expensive. "Elif's relatives came to Rümeysa's aunt. I think they won't make the funeral home here." "Why is that? This is his house; how many years has he lived here?" I was angry. Until yesterday, they had not even called the woman once. It bothered me that they came and took care of him as if nothing had happened. "The house is too small for condolences." He lowered his voice and leaned into my ear. “I think Aunt Rumeysa is richer than we thought,” he said. We knew she was rich and didn't go because she loved this house. More precisely, we understood and asked about the antiques in his house. She just said yes and didn't go into too much detail. "Nermin's sister, are we going to talk about money now?" "Not in that sense. The people who will come to the condolences are of a very high level. That's why they won't be able to accept it here." For a moment, it seemed to me that they were talking about a stranger. Rümeysa's aunt was such a sincere and warm woman... She never got into money matters or was spoiled. She had lived simply for years. "Did your grandson come?" She loved her grandchild, she did. And she loved Aunt Rumeysa very much, too. I mean, I hadn't seen it, but they would send him gifts every month and make daily phone calls. I saw it when I was very young. I didn't even remember. Rümeysa's aunt used to go to her once a year. She had tears in her eyes as she spoke of him when she arrived. She always said that she loved her grandson more than her son. I was confused by the absence of his son and bride. But she always implied that they were callous and selfish. Since they did not come to her funeral, Aunt Rümeysa was actually considered an orphan… Towards noon, we arrived at the cemetery where the body was to be buried. I left Ahmet with my friend Azra. This place was not suitable for him, and it would not be good for his broken psyche. Now I was witnessing the burial of the woman who became my second mother. I was sitting under a tree watching how they threw dirt on it. I wouldn't be able to laugh at myself again; I wouldn't be able to experience friends chatting with me despite being old. I waited for the crowd to disperse as the body was buried. As Nermin's sister said, Rümeysa's aunt was a very rich woman. Eighty percent of the people who attended the funeral were people we did not know and were very well-groomed and paid. It was a community where women smelled perfume and men lit their cigars. So why did Aunt Rümeysa ruin her life in this building that smelled of poverty? After the dispersed crowd, I went to the grave covered with earth. When I sat on the ground, I strained my springs for the last time, which had dried up because I had been crying for hours. "Aunt Rumeysa..." I said without letting a sob escape my lips. "You left us too... And you left us alone... Who am I going to lean my head on now? To whom will I tell my troubles? Aunt Rümeysa, isn't it too soon?" I stopped. I kept quiet because I knew I wouldn't get an answer. I kept quiet because I asked even though I knew. I kept silent because I was exposed to the same pain again! I stood up, albeit with difficulty. Talking was useless. I knew this very well. So I opened my hands and prayed. It was my last goodbye to him. I didn't think I would ever find the strength to come back into myself, and I knew that very well. I've only been to my parents' graves twice. I couldn't go any further. I couldn't go. When I turned around, wiping the tears from my eyes, I couldn't move from my place with a pair of blue eyes staring at me. Those eyes looked familiar to me, but I couldn't remember. "Get out!" he said in a stern and rough voice. How was I going to do it when his gaze was killing me? Before I could take a step, he grabbed my arm and pushed me aside. I lost my balance and fell to the ground. This fall caused my knees to graze as only a painful moan escaped my lips. I was hurt, and very much... This time I held back as my cheeks got wet again. Whoever it was, I wouldn't cry in front of him. Clenching my teeth, I restrained myself and looked at Brother Kemal, who was helping me. "I'm sorry, girl. He's in great pain, and he can't see anything now." When I turned my gaze to the man with the glass eyes, who pushed me viciously, I realized that he was the granddaughter of Aunt Rümeysa. Her gaze was the same, Aunt Rumeysa. He too would frown when he didn't like something, and his eyes would turn into the darkest shade of blue. When he looked at me again, I saw how those blues had turned into darkness, and fear came over me. He had stopped frightening me with one look and was strong enough to kill me with fear. I stood up with support from the ground. I cleaned myself and went to Nermin's sister, who was waiting for me, trying to ignore the pain in my knees. He, too, was looking at Aunt Rumeysa's granddaughter with surprise and anger. When I walked up to him, he gave me one last evil look and turned to me. "Are you okay? You're not okay, are you, Elif?" he said hastily. I groaned in pain once more as he bent down and touched my knees and grabbed his hands. "It's okay. Just a minor scratch." It wasn't small. The pain was taking over my whole body. There was glass and stones where I fell. The blood on the knees of my trousers already showed how the wound was. "He's in pain! It's like we don't! Look at the man." "Nermin's sister, she's her granddaughter. Who are we? We're just neighbors. I mean foreigner..." "Daughter, we were in the family with her as a neighbor. You know this well. We were with her when they were away. If our gentleman had come to her in the country instead of rubbing her, he would have stayed with his grandmother!" Nermin's sister was angry; she was right. It was not nice of him to exclude us in this way, and it was wrong. We had become his family. He made up for their lack with us and was happy too. "Well, let's just forget about it," I said, taking one last look behind me without taking his arm. As if she understood what I was looking at, Aunt Rümeysa's granddaughter turned her head towards me. I immediately took my eyes off him and turned to face him. All I see in those eyes is, "It was dark..." And this darkness frightened me, although I did not know why. And much more. So much that it shook my whole body...