Spring's Late Tide Was Never Yours

On the day of my checkup, Chuck told me he had work to deal with at the office, and he got the driver to take me to the hospital. I waited for my turn, queued in line, got an ultrasound, and waited for my medical report all alone.

The doctor flipped through my report while frowning. "Your recovery after the surgery isn't going well. The blood stasis on the wall of your uterus hasn't cleared completely. You need to take your medication regularly and not overexert yourself. It's important to keep yourself in a good mood too. Where is your family? Why isn't anyone here with you?"

I told the doctor that they were busy, and he stopped asking about them.

When I got home, Chuck was sitting in the living room. He stood up to take the bag from my hand. "What did the doctor say?"

I replied, "I'm still recovering."

He nodded and told me something that made me freeze. "Let's not go public with your miscarriage, Nicole. Sandi's condition isn't stable right now, and reading about news like this would only trigger her trauma again. Please be understanding about this."

I did not even have a chance to take off my coat as I stood at the door. "You want me to keep this a secret?"

Chuck said, "I'm not asking you to keep it a secret. I'm just saying not to go public about this for now. We'll wait until Sandi gets better."

I stared at him for a long time as Chuck looked back at me sincerely while pleading. I knew that look on his face very well. He would give me that look every time he needed me to back off from something.

The next day, my mother-in-law called me on the phone. "Chuck told me everything, Nicole. I know this decision is hard on you, but you're still young and you can still have children in the future. It's different for Sandi. She's already lost Calvin and she can't suffer further agitation. I've made some changes to the invitation for the baby's welcome party and it's now a family dinner to commemorate Calvin's third death anniversary. All of our relatives have been informed about it. You won't mind this, right?"

I sat in the study while clutching the phone. I had organized the baby's welcome party when I was four months pregnant, and Chuck accompanied me throughout the party planning. I had picked the menu and drawn up the guest list, even printing our baby's nickname on the table cards, but it had now been changed into another person's commemorative family dinner. I said, "The baby might be gone, but that doesn't mean it was never here, Mom. I'd like to put up a small tablet as a memory. I promise to put it only at home."

There was silence for a few seconds over the phone. "Sandi is still staying there, Nicole. What if she sees that tablet?"

I sat in the chair for a long time after hanging up. The sky had turned dark, but I did not turn on the lights in the study. I remember how I used to tell Tania that Chuck had to bear the responsibility of this family, and that I was still important to him. However, it turned out that I could not even keep my baby's name inside my house.

On the day of the dinner, I sat at the end of the long table. Everyone who attended was reminiscing about Calvin. Sandi was in the main seat, listening to our relatives comforting her. Some of them patted the back of her hand, some brought more food for her, and others sighed about what a hard life she has as a widow. No one mentioned my miscarriage.

A distant aunt mumbled in a low voice to someone sitting next to her, "Why is Chuck's wife looking so upset? It isn't polite of her to be that way. Doesn't she know to be a bit more understanding of her family's predicament?"

My hand quivered slightly as I clutched a cup in it.

Sandi suddenly seemed to lose her balance as she stabilized herself by holding on to the side of the table. Everyone stood up, and my mother-in-law was the first one to help her up. "What's wrong, Sandi? Are you feeling dizzy again?"

Chuck came over from opposite the table to crouch down next to Sandi as the aunt turned to look at me while raising her voice, "Did someone say something to Sandi? How can Sandi take harsh words when she hasn't been feeling well the last few days?"

I knew that she was looking at me, but I did not stand up. I suddenly realized that no matter what I did, everyone would think that I had something to do with Sandi getting dizzy.

That night, I did not wait for Chuck to go home. I checked my bank account to look through the finances I had spent on the family for the past three years. After that, I checked the payment for the hospital bills on the night of the accident, which I had obtained by asking the hospital to print a copy of the receipt for me.

Chuck had paid for Sandi's admission first that night, which included a full medical checkup and a personal room. He paid for it 47 minutes before my surgery, while my deposit form was signed by Tania.

I placed the receipt into my purse and was reminded of all the excuses I had given on his behalf: Chuck loved his family too much, and that he was in a difficult spot because of his responsibility to this family.

As I stared at the hospital bills he paid, I found myself unable to give him any more excuses. I stood up slowly, feeling the pain in my abdomen, which was nothing compared to the miserable hole in my heart. My mind was suddenly clear as that hole was filled with nothing but emptiness.