Never the Way We Were

Stellan was quiet for a long time before answering, his voice sounding raw. "No matter what happens, we will always be the closest of friends."

Thea ran off in tears. "I won't come looking for you again. When you've made up your mind, take it and go find my mentor."

Lying on the floor in a daze, I found myself drifting back to the year I turned 13. I had come home from the school for the blind covered in bruises.

Stellan had been furious. He was a bright kid with no reason to be there, but he insisted on transferring just to stay by my side. To keep up with the standard curriculum on his own, he never slept a full night.

When I was 15, Mom remarried. She held my hands and sobbed.

"Elara, your new stepfather can't help me raise a blind child. Being your mother has been so hard. You understand that, don't you?

"Stellan was taken in for your sake in the first place. He should be the one looking after you."

Mom dragged her suitcase out the door and left the old house and Stellan behind.

He was barely 18. Taking care of a blind girl ran him into the ground until his own health fell apart. I used to cry and beg him to leave, to stop burdening himself with me.

He would just smile and ruffle my hair. "Crybaby, the swallows under the balcony always fly in pairs. Neither one does well without the other."

Now, the little swallow was exhausted. He deserved to fly away on his own.

I was just a blind girl nobody wanted. If Stellan had not held my hand and raised me, I would have died a long time ago.

I should die somewhere he would never find out about, or else he would blame himself.

I wiped at the throbbing back of my head and had barely fumbled my way to my feet when the door opened.

"What happened to you?"

Stellan's voice was raw. "Where did all this blood come from?"

The words flashed across my vision. "Are you serious? You're the one who knocked her down, and now you're asking?"

I managed a smile.

"I'm sorry, I can't see, and I tripped over something."

Before the words had left my mouth, a cup shattered at my feet.

"Elara! You've lived in this house for years. How do you still not know where things are?"

I heard his ragged breathing and clutched at my sleeve, miserable. "I'm sorry, Stel. I'm useless."

Stellan dug out a dusty old cane and dragged me toward the door, walking so fast I could not keep up. I nearly fell down the steps more than once, but he did not stop.

I grabbed at him, frightened. "Stel, where are we going?"

He stopped without warning, and my nose slammed into his back hard enough to draw blood. I wiped at it with the back of my hand, and then I heard him come apart.

"Elara, there are millions of blind people in this world. All of them manage just fine with a cane. Why can't you?

"I'm not your guide dog. I can't spend the rest of my life being your dog!"

My heart felt like someone had it in a fist. Stellan shoved me from behind, and his voice came through the wind, ice cold.

"If you don't learn to walk the tactile path tonight, don't bother coming home."

His voice and his scent both disappeared. All that was left were the wind, the sound of traffic, and strangers muttering around me.

"Is she blind? What's she doing out here by herself, trying to get hit for a payout?"

The darkness and the panic swallowed me whole. I gripped the cane and fought the urge to scream, whispering Stellan's name instead.

"Stel, I'm so scared."

Back when I first lost my sight, I still had not gotten used to being blind. Every time I woke to nothing but darkness, I would cry until I could not breathe. Stellan always came running in and grabbed my hand.

"I'm right here. Don't be scared, don't be scared."

Now the only answer was the wind.

The words were still raging. "Didn't he swear he'd hold her hand for the rest of her life? That she'd never need a cane? What a piece of sh*t!"

I wiped my tears. It was not like that.

I had long forgotten how to read the tactile paths. I stumbled along, tapping the ground blindly in every direction. A girl like me must have been so exhausting for him.

I wandered without direction and stopped where the honking was loudest.

If a car hit me right here, Stellan could finally be the freest swallow of all. However, the impact never came, and someone yanked me into their arms.

Stellan's body was trembling. His voice was nothing but despair.

"Elara, you're blind, not stupid. How can you not figure this out?"